“We repeat what we don’t repair”

—Unknown

As the mother of two young daughters I have worked hard to be the woman that they could always look up to. I wanted to be the mom that they would always be proud of. I have tried to be the person that they needed me to be. And in my pursuit of perfection, I failed them miserably.

My husband and I have two girls, Olivia, who is ten and Amelia, who is six. People tell us constantly, “Olivia looks just like her daddy and Amelia looks just like her mommy”, however Olivia ACTS just like her momma (We still don’t know where Amelia gets her personality from). She says the same things I said when I was her age. She asks the same questions I am typically thinking. I can tell you exactly why she does what she does before she ever does it. I understand her because I AM her… or rather she is me.

They say that what bothers you about someone else is actually a mirror to what you do not like about yourself.

When Olivia was really young she would do whatever I told her to do. She would dress the way I wanted her to dress, listen to the music I told her to listen to, wear the bows I would put in her hair, and keep her space perfectly tidy… just the way I liked it. She would never raise her voice. She would never question what she was told. She was the ‘perfect’ little girl. 

And then one day I began to notice something that really bothered me. If she wanted to voice her opinion about something that didn’t agree with what I had already said she would quite literally whisper. If she wanted to ask something that she was unsure of my reaction, again, she would almost whisper. When I asked about her day, she would say “It was good” and leave it at that because she had seen my negative reactions to her stories one too many times. If she had some big news to share, she would excitedly tell her daddy and then leave it up to him to fill me in. 

I’m sure all of my mamas can imagine how hurt I was by all of this, but the worst part was realizing that I was the one who had made my baby this way. The day it finally hit me that I was the cause of her cowering away from any situation that would mean she would need to stand up for herself, I was angry. I was angry at myself, however I took it out on her because she was, after all, my mirror. I began to knit pick every little thing that she did or said. I pushed her to be perfect in every aspect of her life. I focused on what she could do better, not how amazing she already was. I was ruining her with my own unrealistic expectations. 

It is my belief that pretty much every good mom wants to be close to their children. They want to be the person that their kids run to when they need a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear, or someone to share in their excitement. As much as I wanted to be that person for my kids, I was not… especially to my beautiful Olivia. 

I was not her safe space, I was her dread. I was not the one she shared her excitements with, I was the person who punished her for no good reason. I was not the mom who welcomed her with open arms, flaws and all, because I was the mom who had not yet accepted herself, flaws and all.  

It was not until I started working on myself, like REALLY working, that I finally began to recognize just how much alike we actually are. And that’s when it finally started to sink in… If I was having to do THIS much work because I have been so hard on myself for the last 38 years, Olivia is probably feeling the pressure of perfection a million times more. My eyes were opened to the damage I was doing to my child. 

When I tell you I felt sick, I mean I. FELT. SICK. All of these questions kept playing over and over in my head. ‘How could I have been so blind?’ ‘How did I let myself get this way?’ ‘Why didn’t anyone say anything?’ ‘How bad have I screwed my kid up?’ ‘Does she hate me?’ ‘Will she hate me when she’s older?’ You get the picture. I decided in that moment that I would do whatever it took to break the cycle of perfectionism and let my children be the children they were born to be.

How I am breaking the cycle:

This is a work in progress. As you can imagine, working on my own issues, while being aware of the issues I may have caused my kids, AND having a daughter who is starting to feel the effects of hormones is quite the combination. These are a few steps I am taking to ensure I don’t pass on my unhealthy personality traits:

1. Meditation. Starting my day with meditation allows me to center myself and get my head and heart in a calm state. I am able to set my intention for the day, check my expectations, and be open to going with the flow. When I am feeling overwhelmed by the day or situation, I am learning to remove myself and find my happy place again. This must be the equivalent of a “time out” for kids.
2. Yoga. Yoga and meditation tend to go hand in hand, however this is an important part of my day. Learning that I am physically able to withstand hard poses has helped me realize that I can also withstand hard situations mentally or emotionally. Plus, there is just something about moving your body first thing in the morning that helps get the good energy flowing.
3. Journaling. Clearly, I like writing my thoughts down. I’ve always felt that I had so much happening inside my head that putting it on paper frees up some space for other things. Journaling has helped me to dig into those deep, dark spaces where no one is allowed to visit and really understand why I feel a certain way.
4. Life Coach. Having someone that lets me explore my deep seated traumatic thoughts and feelings with no judgement has been a game changer for my mental health. Being able to work through memories that I never realized affected me has made me a better wife, mother, and person.
5. Being Vulnerable with my loved ones. OK, so this one is HUGE for me and is all thanks to my Life Coach (Shout out Meg Ellis with @letscreateyourfate). Vulnerability is not my strong suit. I have always prided myself in being independent, strong, and not asking for help. Little did I know that the qualities I was deeming “positive” were having a negative effect on my family. By showing my kids that I am vulnerable and I do need help has opened the door for them to be more vulnerable and ask for help.
6. Be a Silly Goose. YALL!!! My kids have only ever known the strict, rule following, no nonsense, drill sergeant of a mom. They have never really seen me be silly, sit down and play with them, or laugh uncontrollably at nothing at all. THIS broke my heart and I work every day to find some way to be silly with them. It hasn’t been easy and it takes a lot of trust in them that I can be myself, but every time I hear them giggle at something silly I have done or said is just positive reinforcements.
7. Listening to their thoughts, feelings, and opinions. Once I slowed down long enough to actually HEAR their thoughts, feelings, or opinions things really started to change in our house. When they feel heard and validated, they feel secure, and when they feel secure, they feel loved, and when they feel loved, I have done my job!
8. Open heart hugs. Seriously! TRY IT! Full on, open heart hug someone for 10-20 seconds. You can’t help but be happy and relaxed. Once everyone is relaxed, then we can have a meaningful discussion.

It’s not always easy and I am definitely not perfect, but I am trying my hardest each and every day. Some days I am killing it as a mom and some days I feel like the world’s biggest failure. However, it’s the days I feel like a failure that I tell myself that is what actually makes me a good mom… Because I CARE. Breaking any kind of traumatic cycle is difficult, but the first step is recognizing there is a problem. After that, you take it one day at a time, one hour at a time. You give yourself and your loved ones grace and you have faith that you will be better for it. And then, one day when your kids crawl up in your lap to tell YOU all of their biggest secrets you send out all of the love and gratitude into the world that you never gave up on them or yourself.