If I could give my girls anything, it would be the courage to speak their minds freely—without fear of judgment or consequence. I want them to know the power of their own voices and to trust in the value of what they have to say. But if I’m honest, there have been moments when my own reactions might not have taught them that. Moments when I let worry, stress, or frustration cloud my response and missed an opportunity to show them that their thoughts and feelings are welcome and respected.

I don’t know about other parents, but I have this habit of reacting—often negatively—the moment my kids share something with me. As you can imagine, they have quickly learned it is easier just not to tell mom anything.

It was truly heartbreaking. Deep down, I knew that my first reaction to certain things my kids—or even my spouse—shared wasn’t always the calmest. I understood that my instinct might be to respond strongly, especially when the news wasn’t what I wanted to hear. But I didn’t realize just how much this habit would shape what they felt comfortable sharing with me. I would remind myself over and over: stay cool, stay calm, you can freak out on the inside—but don’t let it show [Insert ‘Let It Go’ from Frozen here].

This worked for a while—until one of my girls would share something that triggered me, and I’d be right back at square one. My sweet little heathens would instantly retreat, once again fearing “the wrath of mom.”

Then one day, I came across a story about a dad who used a “safe word” with his kids. Before sharing something that might upset him or land them in trouble, his kids would say this word, giving him a moment to prepare mentally for whatever was coming. It created a space where his kids could be open and honest, without fearing an impulsive reaction. It was a simple idea, but it showed his children that he was committed to listening—no matter what they had to say.

I loved the idea so much that I immediately shared it with my oldest daughter. I explained how it would work: anything she told me after using our “safe word” would be open for discussion—not judgment or punishment. She was understandably hesitant at first, but was willing to play along. We needed a word—something simple yet unmistakable, a signal that, whenever said, would mean all hands on deck and my full attention.

She came up with ‘potato’ and to be honest, I loved it! I thought it was silly enough to lighten the mood of whatever was going to come afterwards and boy was I right!

So, there we were, driving down the street on our way to her annual check up and she decides to test the waters a bit to see if this was real life or if she was just being punk’d. All of the sudden I hear “POTATO!!!” and my spidey senses totally perked up. Before I told her to spill the tea, I took a deep breath, gave myself a pep talk that would bring the Dallas Cowboys back to life, and prepared for whatever was about to come my way.

OK! I think I was expecting something like “I have a boyfriend” or “I kissed a boy” or maybe even “My favorite color is actually pink and I DO love Taylor Swift” (both things are VERY untrue for this child). What came next was a little more for me to digest.

“Mama, I’ve been giving myself time on my phone again without asking you. I saw the password one day last month when you typed it in and instead of asking, I have just been doing it myself.” ABORT!! CODE RED!! SOS!! MAYDAY!! ALERT!! MAN DOWN!! ALL of the warning signs were going off in my head— because HONESTY is my love language and we’ve had this issue in the past, which means she is very aware of how I feel about not being honest or having integrity when it comes to these types of things.

I saw the panic in her eyes. I saw the thought of ‘yep! I trusted her and she’s just going to punish me anyway’ on her face. I saw a slight flicker of hope quickly covered by disappointment go through her little body. She didn’t trust me to follow through with what we had agreed upon. She was preparing for the wrath of mom to come reigning down.

But, it was my turn to model what integrity looks like. So, I calmly looked at her, grabbed her hand, and said, “What do you think a fair solution to this problem would be? You clearly think you need to be allowed more time on your phone, and I need to know that I can trust you to follow the rules, make the right choices, and be able to regulate the time you spend on your phone better.” She started listing all of the things we had done in the past: take away the phone, change the password, etc. These were all things that had been decided without her input or opinion and they were NOT working. I asked her to give me some of her ideas, not things that she thought I wanted to hear; some ground rules that she thought would be fair for the both of us.

As we continued to talk and come up with a plan, I saw her eyes light up. I saw the hope and excitement rush over her face. I saw her little body relax with the realization that this potato thing was actually going to work!

We’re still early on in our ‘potato’ escapades and I am sure there are bigger truth bombs to be discovered as she gets older, but the foundation has been laid. We will continue to build on the trust that we developed for each other and ourselves that day. We will continue to strengthen our relationship with each ‘potato’ usage.

She knows the safe word works.
She knows she can tell me anything.
She knows she will be heard.

And me? Well, I know that I will forever look at a potato with nothing but love and gratitude from this day forward.