There’s this little buzzword that shows up in motherhood all the time. Something most of us feel, but rarely say out loud. That little whisper that pops up when you’re lying in bed replaying the day. Or when you’re scrolling Instagram. Or when a birthday doesn’t go exactly how you imagined. Or when the day just got away from you.

Mom guilt.

And before you roll your eyes or shove that feeling back down, I want to look at it a little differently. Not from the angle of “how do we get rid of mom guilt?” but from the angle of:

What is mom guilt actually trying to tell us?
And how do we shift the question we’re asking ourselves?

Because the question most of us ask: “Am I a good mom?” is setting us up to fail.

Let me explain.

The Birthday That Didn’t Go As Planned

Every year, we try to make our girls’ birthdays feel magical. We decorate the house the night before, sneak around with balloons and streamers, set out a cupcake and presents so they wake up smiling.

Olivia’s birthday is in September, Amelia’s in October, which means each one remembers exactly how the other one’s birthday felt. The stakes are high, if you know what I mean.

This year, Olivia’s celebration went smoothly.
Then, it was Amelia’s turn.

Her birthday happened to fall on the same day as our first in-house CrossFit competition. Gordon and I were competing. Olivia was competing. And Amelia had already told us she did not want to wake up early on her birthday.

So we had to choose:

Do we decorate early and have her wake up to magic without us there?
Or do we wait and create the surprise later in the day?

We chose option number 2.

And then… at 3 AM… the power went out.

I’m talking TOTAL. BLACKOUT.

Amelia woke up and climbed into our bed. So when it was time for us to leave for the gym, she woke up too. No decorations. No cupcake. No special moment.

Just rushing… In the dark… Trying to get everyone out the door.

And that’s when the mom guilt hit.

“Am I messing this up?”
“Is she going to feel celebrated?”
“Is this enough?”

And right behind the guilt came the shame.

I should know better.
I should just be grateful.
I shouldn’t compare myself.
I shouldn’t let this define me.

I felt like I had failed her.

But later that day, I realized something important:

I was asking myself the wrong question.

The Flawed Question: “Am I a Good Mom?”

The question “Am I a good mom?” is built on comparison.

Good compared to who?
Good based on what standard?
Good according to Instagram?
Your childhood?
Your mother?
Your Pinterest board?

No wonder the answer never feels secure.

The definition of “good” is constantly shifting.
It’s a moving target that we never can quite get to, no matter how hard we try.

So when we ask “Am I a good mom?” we are asking a question with no clear finish line.

Motherhood was never meant to be a performance to score.
It’s not something you win.

Motherhood is a relationship.
It’s lived in the messy, daily, ordinary moments.

And that is why the question needs to change.

A Better Question: “Am I an Invested Mom?”

The better question is:

“Am I an invested mom?”

Because investment is measurable.
Investment is relational.
Investment means:

• I notice my kids.
• I show up when it matters.
• I repair when I mess up.
• I try again tomorrow.
• I am in this with them, not performing for them.

Investment is presence, not perfection.

Being invested does not mean being available 24/7.
It does not mean birthday magic goes flawlessly each and every time.
It does not mean you never raise your voice.
It does not mean you get it right all the time.

It means your heart is in the room.
Even when you get it wrong.

Our kids don’t need perfect moms.
They just need moms who care enough to want to be better.

Using Mom Guilt as Guidance

So when guilt shows up, try this:

1. Notice it.
   “Oh hey, guilt. I see you.”
2. Ask what it’s highlighting.
   “Do I want more connection? More presence? To slow down?”
3. Respond with one small action.
   No need to change your whole parenting style. Just one small action to build on.

Maybe that looks like:

• Ten minutes of uninterrupted play.
• One extra cuddle at bedtime.
• Apologizing when your tone was sharp.
• Looking your kids in the eyes when they are talking instead of responding distractedly.

These small moments are not small.

They’re investments.

And investments are how love is felt.

The Takeaway

So mama, the question to ask yourself today is not:

“Am I a good mom?”

That’s a loaded question.

The real question is:

“Am I an invested mom?”

And, if you’re reading this, reflecting, learning, caring enough to even consider how you show up…

Then the answer is YES!

You are invested.
You are present.
You are loving them on purpose.

And that?

That is love in motion.