“As soon as the healing takes place, go out and heal somebody else.”

—Maya Angelou

The Backstory:

I was 19 and naive. He was 24 and knew more worldly things than I could have imagined. When we met I had no idea what a narcissist was. I was just happy he was giving me his attention. Things moved quickly between us. After 6 months of knowing each other we were moving in together. Although all of the red flags were there, I chose not to see them.

He lied… A LOT! He was secretive about where he was going, who he was talking to, and what he was doing when I wasn’t around. Soon enough, I was no longer going out with my friends or spending time with my family. Any time I wanted to do something with my people, it was a fight, one I would almost always lose. If I tried to stand up to him or his ‘rules’ I was quickly made to feel like the bad guy; that I was the reason our relationship had so many problems, and I would decide to stay home, retreating further into myself. After several years of this, my friends got tired of my absence and stopped inviting me to things. I barely saw my family any more, no matter how much I wanted to be with them, and soon I was completely isolated…. Exactly the way he wanted me.

I decided to work the night shift after finishing nursing school so I didn’t have to be around him. I would pick up multiple shifts a week, working 12-16 hours, just to not have to be home. At some point I began pretending that we were not even a couple, but roommates, in which I paid all of the bills, made all of the money, worked all of the hours, and he had all of the fun with anyone he wanted. I felt stuck. I felt trapped. But worst of all, I felt alone.

One night around Christmas things became physical between us. Up until then it had always been emotional, but this time was different. We got into an argument about something I can’t even remember what about, he pushed me up against the wall and held his hand over my neck. I was terrified. When he let me go, I grabbed my dog, my purse, and my keys, and ran out the door. I drove straight to my parents house. It was late and they were worried to say the least. I told them we had an argument and I needed to leave. I didn’t give them any details. I was too ashamed. Ashamed I had put myself in that situation. Ashamed I had let it get that far. Ashamed I didn’t know how to get out.

The next morning I remember sitting down at the table and talking to my dad. He still didn’t know what really happened (and I am convinced if he had he would have never let me leave his house), but he simply said “You should try to work it out if you love each other”. At the time I didn’t even know what love was, although I prayed that this was not it, yet it was the only thing I had ever known in a relationship, so I went back.

We never talked about the incident and surprise surprise, things did not get any better. I put up more and more walls, trying to protect myself the best way I knew how. I worked more nights, longer shifts. I did whatever I could to stay away from him. However, he felt the answer to our problems was to buy a house and move away… And that’s exactly what we did.

We ended up moving further away from my family and friends. If I thought I was isolated before, now I was on an island, drowning in my misery. I would often think “If I just drove off the side of this bridge I would at least be free from this situation”. I thought this so many times that it started to scare me. That is when I knew, it was time to get out.

One night after he came home in the early morning hours, I confronted him. I was done and I needed him to go. It wasn’t easy ending a six year long relationship, but it had to be done. I was broken, embarrassed, insecure, and fearful. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do but I knew I couldn’t keep doing this!

The coming months were hard. I had to relearn who I was as a person and what I wanted out of life and relationships. I had missed a lot of time with my family and friends and had a lot of making up to do. It took a long time to put the pieces of who I was back together, but piece by piece I started to remember the girl I once was and held onto her like my life depended on it… because it did.

How I got out:

According to the National Domestic Abuse Hotline {1-800-799-7233(SAFE)}, it takes a person an average of 7 attempts to leave an abusive partner.

• I began to recognize the abuse and admit I wasn’t happy. Saying the words out loud made the emotions I was feeling more real.
• I began to reach out to my old friends and confide in them about my situation. This allowed me to build a support system that would help me when the time came for me to leave the relationship.
• I began a personal {aka secret} account to store my money.
• I asked him to move out of my house.
• I continued to remind myself why I left the relationship.
• I focused on myself. I made a bucket list of everything I wanted to do in this life. I made a list of characteristics my “dream man” would possess. I decided to continue my education.
• I told myself that the abuse was not my fault and I had nothing to be embarrassed about.

It’s been almost 15 years since I left that relationship behind. Up until recently, I thought the wounds had healed, but after going through an exercise with my life coach I realized I had never actually forgiven him, myself, or the situation. Holding on to past traumas only weigh you down and it was time to release myself from the chains of this tragedy. Through meditation and a few other practices I was finally able to forgive and let go.

The scars of the trauma will always remain, but I no longer have to carry the weight of the pain with me. I choose to forgive, not for his sake, but mine. I choose to learn from this situation. I choose to tell my story to give someone else hope. I choose to be triumphant over my trauma.

The choice is always ours. You can choose to stay or you can choose to leave. You can choose to be miserable or you can choose to live your best life. You can choose to hate or you can choose to love. You can choose to be the same or you can choose to grow. The. Choice. Is. Always. Ours.